Welcome to the blog for Healthy Couples written by Bill White.
THE TITLES OF ALL THE POSTS ARE ORGANIZED HERE:
THEME #1: UNDERSTANDING RELATIONSHIPS
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21 RED FLAGS TO WATCH FOR IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP
What to Give Thought to When ‘Being in Love’ Makes You Stop Thinking
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21 KEY POINTS TO CONSIDER BEFORE YOUR DATING RELATIONSHIP GETS SERIOUS
What to Give Thought to When ‘Being in Love’ Makes You Stop Thinking
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THE NEXT EVOLUTION IN LOVE RELATIONSHIPS
The One Key Ingredient You Must Put in Place
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HOW TO HAVE A CONSCIOUS LOVE RELATIONSHIP (video with Bill White & Julia Friedman )
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How to be smart about falling in love and staying in love
- A Guide for identifying Who Is Impossible and Who Is Simply Difficult (most of us!)
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BROKEN AGREEMENTS IN RELATIONSHIPS
Tips and Solutions
THEME #2: COMMUNICATION TOPICS
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9 mistakes and 9 remedies for being a good listener
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WHAT COMMUNICATION PLAYING FIELD ARE YOU ON?
The intent of the interaction makes or breaks connection
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FUNDAMENTAL FLAWS WHEN DEALING WITH CONFLICT (#1 in Article Series)
Focusing on solving the problem while ignoring the emotions -
FUNDAMENTAL FLAWS WHEN DEALING WITH CONFLICT (#2 in Article Series)
The magic of Awareness + Acceptance of What Is—before looking for fixes and solutions
THEME #3: OTHER TOPICS
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‘ GETTING TO WORK ON YOURSELF’—WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
Making sense of a complex endeavor https://www.thehealthycouple.com/getting-to-work-on-yourselfwhat-does-that-even-mean
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8 PIECES OF ADVICE FOR TEENS ABOUT TO STEP INTO THE ADULT WORLD
https://www.thehealthycouple.com/8-pieces-of-advice-for-teens-about-to-step-into-the-adult-worl -
WHEN YOUR TEENAGER HAS MADE A SERIOUS MISTAKE
6 Key Ways to Being an Enlightened Parent
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This blog is a place where I share my thoughts, ideas, and videos, as well as share other’s thoughts/resources--mostly about relationships, communication, and living life. And of course, humor.
Your thoughts and comments are most welcome.
Photo credit, my friend, Ben Audia
I enjoy
watching reality tv shows. I love to see how people relate to others, and how
people relate to themselves. (Let’s suspend for a moment the fact that it’s not
completely real tv. The editor picks and chooses what to include in the shows.
But still, shows like this give us some interesting insight into people.)
I have watched maybe 2 of the earlier Bachelor series, and recently watched The Golden Bachelor. In the show, a 71-year-old man gets to know about a dozen older women who are hoping to have the bachelor pick them as a love partner.
The getting to know one another over several weeks. As the days progress, the bachelor sends home those he’s decided against. He does this one by one until the last 2 are left. That’s where I am in the show as I write this. (I’m unsure how long the show will be available to watch online, but here’s the link: https://abc.com/shows/the-golden-bachelor
I was struck by a number of things that are worth noting. And as a relationship coach, there was one very important ingredient for healthy relationships that was completely missing in their “getting to know one another” conversations. That concerns me. It’s the same thing that I’ve seen missing in dating and love for the 40 years I’ve been working with couples. More on later.
The bullet points below are some of the other aspects I found either inspiring or disappointing—or at a minimum interesting.
· I was very impressed with the participants’ capacity to be vulnerable, including crying or tearing up. I was especially impressed by the bachelor, Gerry. He got emotional in almost every show. Many scenes of both Gerry and the women were touching and heartfelt. Openhearted vulnerability is what having a strong relationship is all about.
· I was struck by the many years and even decades that many of the woman had not had a serious love relationship. Some of them had dated, but it didn’t sound like those relationships went anywhere. I think we all have the perception that most people are already in a relationship or about to be. I think the reality is that there are many people who haven’t been in a relationship for years and years.
· I was struck by the fact that a number of the participants had lost a spouse to death. In the earlier bachelor shows with younger people, that’s not something you see. Generally, the show was a bit of an education about aging and what one may meet up with. Although, nobody on the show appeared to have any major health issues even though that’s something people frequently meet up while aging.
· Something I was aware of, but many may not be… As a woman starts to age, they can feel invisible to men. Whereas attractive younger women are usually overwhelmed with attention and advances from men.
· Women pursuing men: I found it interesting to watch the tables get turned where the female is being the one asserting themselves to have the relationship happen. All these women were pursuing the one man.
In everyday life, women are usually being pursued—and often to their chagrin. And the younger you are and/or the more attractive, the more you are pursued. I thought it was great that the women went for it. To hell with norms!
· I noticed that often the women threw caution to the wind. Their approach wasn’t so much about looking good, as it was going for what they want, being themselves. I will never forget the woman who casually let out a long fart during an interview and never broke eye contact with the interviewer. Although that was in the bloopers near the end of the show, I couldn’t help but be inspired by her self-confidence and lack of judgment of herself.
· I loved that, overall, the women were emotionally supportive of one another—even though they were competing for the one man that they all seemed to adore. Of course, there were some catty moments. I suspect the editors emphasized the competitiveness for entertainment value. Still, there seemed to be a lot of genuine love and camaraderie there among the women. I don’t recall if that was the case with previous bachelor shows with younger women vying for the one man.
What I saw tragically missing
As a relationship coach, I noticed a couple of things missing in their conversations.
One, I didn’t hear any conversations about where they might live if they end up becoming a match. At least I heard nothing until near the end where the bachelor and his 3 top picks went to visit the women’s families/hometowns. That might have been worth getting clear about before things progressed too far.
I suspect many older people have settled down and are attached to where they live. They have friends and family who live nearby. It would be unfortunate to choose someone as a love partner, and then have neither of them willing to move.
Two, and the most glaring piece of their conversations that was missing, there was no conversation about how to approach conflict and difficult feelings . In my experience, the number 1 reason that even great relationships fall apart is the lack of skill or willingness to address conflict and difficult feelings.
Where were the questions of, “How do you approach conflict? How would you want to? How would we navigate the inevitable conflicts as two people merge their unique personalities together? Can you talk about your feelings of fear and hurt? Have you dealt with your childhood trauma patterns?”
I’m certainly not at all surprised that this wasn’t part of their conversations. I would have been surprised and even wowed if any of them had those conversations. An integral part of our human nature is to avoid uncomfortable or scary topics. And emotions are scary for most everyone. Me included. I just know that successfully addressing conflict and difficult feelings adds so much magic, depth, and fun to a relationship.
Tragically, even though I’m sure most of them have had plenty of relationships fall apart because of lack of skill or interest in how to navigate feelings, they still don’t have this subject foremost in mind.
One of the reasons this concerns me is that the culture of movies and TV continues to influence our thinking about how to do relationships. The path we’re led down is a path of relationship destruction. The path is called “go by the seat of your pants, go with your feelings, love will happen right away, and it will all work out fine.”
These messages are not reality! We all know love relationships are often a challenge, but we continue to approach relationships as if there’s no need to have a plan for navigating conflict.
Consistently, over time, 50% of marriages end in divorce. I imagine almost all of those who divorced were deeply in love at some point. I suspect the percentage of relationships that end is higher with those who may have a great relationship, but don’t officially marry. We don’t keep records of them, so we don’t know for sure what’s happening. I’m sure it’s not any better than married folks. Probably worse.
We tend to assume that those 50% of couples who DO stay together, must be doing pretty well. Oh hell no! I think a large percentage of those who stay together are not particularly happy with one another.
You’d be surprised at the number of married couples who come to me who haven’t had sex for months or maybe years. And they’ve been bored, unhappy, or arguing for many years.
Many of the people who are unhappy stay together because 1) they’re afraid of being alone, 2) they don’t have confidence that they could meet someone else, 3) they stay together for the kids or because they’re a part of the extended family, and/or 4) they don’t want to lose the security of their combined resources.
Still, we believe in the fantasy of fairytale romantic love. If romantic love is going to last and feel good, it truly does require work. And it’s not just the work of how to manage different ways of doing things, but it’s how to manage the difficult feelings that arise. Most people avoid feelings as long as they can. When they can no longer avoid the feelings, they usually argue without coming to an empowering resolution. None of this promotes a healthy relationship.
And yes, it’s freaking magical when that new relationship is working, but without conflict resolution skills and the willingness to do that work, your magic will surely turn to misery.
Childhood wounds, childhood influences
One woman in the show talked about something no one else did. And this is something I don’t remember seeing in other Bachelor shows. She spoke deeply about her childhood wounds and how they have affected her life. From my perspective, she’s on the right track. These days it seems that addressing childhood wounds is becoming much more common, but it’s still uncommon to talk about when you’re getting to know a potential mate.
Childhood emotional and relationship wounds have a direct and lasting impact on us. If we aren’t aware of the influence that these life experiences have on us, these unseen patterns will run the show. And they will ruin the relationship.
Just one example of how childhood wounds influence us on an unseen level: I’ve worked with people who have unfounded jealousy of their partner. This jealousy causes extreme distress to the faithful spouse. Often, the source of jealousy is a childhood wound, such as a parent leaving the family, or a death of a caregiver. Unfounded jealousy can also be from your needs for love and connection being unmet. The caretaker is either emotionally unable to give consistent presence and connection, or the caretaker is providing for someone else’s needs and doesn’t have the bandwidth to be there for the child. The taking care of another’s needs might be another newborn or the spouse. Other reasons for neglecting the child are sickness of the caregiver, addiction, or they work long hours. Any of these scenarios can produce high anxiety and insecurity about getting one’s love needs met.
Whatever the case, these emotionally painful experiences set up a fear of losing the person who is providing for your basic human needs. If a person with unfounded jealousy does not trace their jealousy back to earlier experiences, the person will never feel secure in a relationship. In addition, their attempts to manage and confine their spouse will cause the relationship extreme distress.
And interesting to note, the very thing the jealous person is afraid of—not having the love or presence of their partner—is unwittingly created by the jealous person’s fear of losing the partner’s love and support.
No matter your brand of fear, your fears become self-fulfilling prophecies. Whatever the fear, your fear-behavior will create what you are trying so hard to avoid. Are you avoiding being angry because it was so disturbing to witness your parents rage and fight? Unfortunately for you, denying your anger can eventually cause you to blow up and rage. Or you suppress your anger while your partner twists into a pretzel trying to make you show some kind of emotion. And since you don’t like anger from anyone, you ignore or block your partner from having their feelings. This is a guaranteed way to make your partner really angry.
As uncomfortable and even scary as it is to explore emotions, doing this effectively keeps the relationship alive and growing. You’re continually getting to know deeper aspects of one another. I have found that I don’t know someone until I deeply understand their childhood wounds. If you’re addressing conflict and difficult emotions effectively, you will also need to address the influences from childhood emotional wounds. During this process, you get to know one another in a more complete way.
To kiss or not? Take your time getting to know someone, or not?
If I were on the show, I think I would take kissing off the table during the getting-to-know-each-other stage. I know this won’t be a popular approach to dating, however, when you bring in that level of physical intimacy, you become obsessed with how great things are, and don’t see the incompatibility or the red flags.
Kissing is highly sexual. If you’re kissing, you’re already being sexual.
I have also found that getting to know someone usually takes quite a bit of time— at least months. In the beginning of a relationship, we naturally present our best selves. In my life, I have been surprised at how mistaken I was about many people—whether men or women—that I thought I knew and wanted to develop some kind of relationship with. At some later date, I became aware that this person was not at all what I wanted with a partner, friend, or business associate. I can only say that I’m grateful certain relationships didn’t move more quickly.
And if everyone is avoiding conflict, you just aren’t going to really know the person. To continue beating the drum for good conflict resolution skills, one of the best ways I’ve found for getting to know someone is to skillfully explore the difficult feelings and reactions that will inevitably arise.
Final thoughts : I would like to see humanity shift away from ignoring the need for good conflict resolution skills, and instead, move towards putting good communication and emotional attunement skills front-and-center during the dating process.
I’m no different than you in my distaste for conflict and difficult emotions, however, when I don’t put conflicts on the table in a compassionate and skillful way, the end results kill off the relationship.
It takes big-time courage to learn and practice these skills. It’s time we as a human race make emotional intelligence and skilled communication a priority.
If you are interested in reading an article I’ve written about the need to make skilled emotional communication a priority, here’s the link: https://www.thehealthycouple.com/the-next-evolution-in-love-relationships
Bill White 11-25-2023
Phone 520-775-1943 www.thehealthycouple.com
A 17-year-old young woman recently asked me: “Do you have any advice about becoming an adult?” Hmmm,
I thought, “What advice would a 68-year-old have that would make a difference
to a teenager?”
When I was a teenager, I was clueless about so many things. I wish I had gotten better guidance. For one, I didn’t realize that I was reeling from childhood abuse and neglect that created low self-worth, challenges with how to generate emotional intimacy, and constant anxiety. At the time, I wasn’t really aware that I had challenges in these areas. I had pretty good ways of compensating for my challenges.
I had so much anxiety, I couldn’t even plan my future. I could only do the next best thing in front of me that was needed for survival. And that anxiety about planning my future lasted long after my teens. I graduated top in my class in college but had no clue what I was going to do with my life.
I couldn’t even imagine a future that related to where I wanted to live, what kind of work I wanted to do, who I would want to be married to, or if I wanted a family. But nobody knew I was clueless and struggling. Mostly, I didn’t realize my suffering either. I was good at compensating strategies , as I call them, that had me appear to be functioning pretty well. I even thought I was functioning pretty well. Oh the capacity we have to fool ourselves.
As to the advice…or suggestions, I’m going to give 8 that I think are particularly valuable and needed. I’ll start with number 8 and later get to the ones I consider most important in numbers 1 and 2. These last 2 have not become popular for most humans yet, so I don’t want to start with the hardest ones.
Below the 8 pieces of advice are more random pieces of advice that could be very useful to you, should you be inclined to read them. It’s okay if you only read the first 8.
#8
COLLEGE OR NO?
Consider getting some life/work experience before going to college unless you know exactly what you want to do. Don’t just go because family or peers say you should. (These days, a degree means less of a guarantee of a job/position.) On the other hand, college can be a place where you explore what you want for your future.
Learning a trade, such as plumbing or automotive might be a better route for some. Whatever the case, the world is changing fast. Anything I say today about careers might change drastically by the time you read this.
#7
ADULTS ARE STILL TRYING TO FIGURE LIFE OUT
Don’t compare yourself to adults who act like they’ve got it all figured out. Most do not. Most are suffering and hide it very well. I’m sure most of us develop a nasty insecurity complex because we think adults have it together. Then, when we become adults and don’t have it together, we think we’re somebody who is just not good enough. It’s not true.
Many adults that read this article will likely tell me they are doing great. I’m sure many of them think they’re doing great. However, what I’ve found is that all of us develop very good coping strategies that can make it appear that we’re doing very well. These strategies work so well that the one employing them thinks they’re doing just fine.
For instance, someone who has a fundamental fear of people might develop a strategy of being very outgoing and sociable to hide their fears. Nobody would suspect they have a fear of people. However, in any situation where the strategy ends up not working, the person can become highly distressed. Bottomline: How someone appears to be doing and how they report they’re doing may only be what’s on the surface.
#6
EXPERIENCES OF CHILDHOOD ABUSE OR NEGLECT
If, as a child or teen, you have been abused, bullied, sexually mistreated, have dealt with sickness or the sickness or death of a loved one, been witness of or a victim of anger, harshly criticized, did not feel valued or loved, or your emotional or physical needs have been severely neglected or abandoned, consider getting professional support.
I didn’t recognize that I had been abused and severely neglected until my late 20’s. Even my counselors didn’t know to address the possibility of abuse and neglect. A pioneer in the field of dysfunctional relationships, John Bradshaw, was pivotal in waking me up. Bradshaw’s books are excellent. You can also find his videos on YouTube.
Since you may not realize you’ve experienced significant abuse, neglect, or loss, if you find that you’re just generally not happy, then that indicates there’s something worth exploring and addressing. Utilizing a counselor or coach might be an important step for you. Friends and family can help, but some things are better addressed with a skilled person.
#5
WHAT ABOUT SEX?
Teenagers typically get the message: Don’t have sex. Or at best, be protected if you have sex. As far as I can tell, most people want to have sex. Find a way to do it that works for you. Sex with yourself can be exceptional, but like anything else, when it’s shared with someone, it can potentially take it to another level.
At some point, some people discover that having an emotional connection with the person you have sex with is what has sex be most satisfying and nurturing. Otherwise, it’s hit or miss for enjoyment.
I can’t do this topic justice in a short paragraph. There are many places that you can go to get education on any aspect of sexuality.
#4
DATING AND LOVE RELATIONSHIPS
This is a huge topic. I’ve been slowly writing 2 books on the topic over many years. I’ll distill it down as best as I can.
Dating
I think there are a lot more people in the boat of having challenges at even getting dates, so I’m not suggesting you have had an easy time at this, or that you will have.
I think most of us are flying by the seat of our pants with respect to love relationships. Humans are not doing well with this.
This piece of advice likely won’t be popular: give some thought to what you’re doing. When I hear someone giving relationship advice of “follow your heart”, that kind of scares me. How do you tell the difference between your heart and the fact that you’re getting your survival needs of sex, security, companionship? When we’re feeling in love, we can be easily fooled into going with something that isn’t actually good for us.
If you want to generate someone that is good for you, it would serve you to first establish a list of non-negotiables—things you won’t allow or won’t do without in a relationship. This might be lying, cheating, meanness/unkindness/disrespect, lack of interest or skills in conflict resolution and creating emotional connection, unwilling to go to a skilled 3rd party if (and when) you need relationship support, unable to take responsibility and admit fault, lack of mutual sexual attraction.
Other arenas to consider include: Monogamy or not, having children or not, how to raise and discipline children, spiritual or religious compatibility, levels of neatness and cleanliness.
It’s okay to have a long list of things you want in a partner, but be aware that some wants are merely preferences. If you say your partner must have a good income, or a good body, what happens if the person comes along who is a great fit but doesn’t have your exact specifications? You might discount a person over something that’s really a preference.
Love Relationships :
Humans are in a crisis with respect to love relationships. Vast numbers of couples end up in divorce. Vast numbers don’t even get far enough to create a committed, lasting relationship. Vast numbers stay in an unsatisfying or unhappy relationship. Vast numbers have given up on being in a relationship because their relationship history has been so dismal.
You may think people are doing well in their relationships. Most are pretending. I specialize in working with couples. At times, I see some of their facebook posts glorifying their relationship. They actually appear to be doing great. I know they are struggling.
An unpopular recommendation: Utilize a relationship counselor/coach to guide you 1) in the dating process, 2) in the beginning of a relationship to set the stage for a relationship that lasts, and 3) to help you both to navigate the inevitable conflicts and difficult feelings.
Harville Hendrix makes it clear in his book why there will be major conflicts in love relationships. He points out the challenges you will meet, as well as the magic you can create from successfully addressing the challenges. Read the revised version of his book “Getting the Love You Want”. For other relationship insights, also consider Teal Swan, Peter and Ellyn Bader, David Schnarch, and Terry Real.
The points made in the dating section cover some points that are important pieces for love relationships. Some of the key points are also covered in an article I wrote: “The 3 Commitments Required If You Are to Have a Chance At a Healthy Love Relationship. https://www.thehealthycouple.com/articles#Threecommitments
#3
IDENTIFYING AND DEALING WITH TOXIC PEOPLE
Be wary of sheep in wolves’ clothing. They are out there, and they’re concealed. Con artists and narcissistic types are usually very likable, engaging, and charming people. They seem wonderful. And they do have some good traits. It’s just that they are toxic people to have in your life. And they’re hard to spot.
THE NUMBER ONE THING TO LOOK FOR TO DISCOVER IF YOU’RE RELATING TO A TOXIC PERSON OR NOT IS THIS: A toxic person will never, ever genuinely admit responsibility for the trouble they cause . So, don’t go one step further with this person until you witness them willing to admit fault, and willing to make adjustments. Admitting fault is hard for any of us, but we can and do. Toxic people do not!
Toxic people are everywhere. And they make everyone around them miserable. They can be bosses, co-workers, family, friends, church leaders, counselors, spiritual-minded people. Their abuse is tolerated way too often. You will have to advocate for yourself. When you speak out or take care of yourself by setting boundaries, you will risk being considered the person with the problem since others may only see the sheep and not the wolf.
When you discover you’re relating to a toxic person, DO NOT attempt to make them responsible for anything that they’re doing that is causing trouble. They will double-down on making your life miserable. Give up on enlightening them. Walk away without an explanation. Or if an explanation is needed, make it appear that you are at fault, that it’s your problem.
It can be very hard to walk away from a job or a family member or a love partner. Whatever it costs you is worth it. Staying around for more mistreatment and abuse will cost you much more.
Educate yourself on personality disorders, particularly narcissism, antisocial (con artist), and borderline. I’m also writing a book on how to recognize and deal with toxic people. The summary of the book can be found here: https://www.thehealthycouple.com/10-reasons-you-should-love-blogging
Below are the 2 key pieces of advice that are crucial, but won’t likely be popular:
#2
LEARN THE SKILLS OF AUTHENTIC/VULNERABLE RELATING
Authentic, real, honest relating takes a level of vulnerability that most of us humans steer away from. Without authenticity and vulnerability, emotional connection with others and with ourselves is extremely hampered. Without a sense of connection, our world can easily become grey and painful.
Brene Brown has pioneered in the field of vulnerability. https://brenebrown.com/
There’s a small, but worldwide movement towards authentic relating. You can google for more info. Here’s a couple of websites: https://www.authrev.org/ , The Circling Institute
I
consider #1 below to be the most important advice I could give to a teen or an
adult:
#1
LEARN HOW TO NAVIGATE CONFLICT AND DIFFICULT FEELINGS
If you don’t, whatever you generate in your life can quickly fall apart—whether it’s love, career/business, friends, or family. This is an arena I’ve been writing a book about for over 30 years as I’ve been working on getting a clue in this arena.
I’ve watched couples fall in love, get married, get a house, have kids, develop their careers…then divorce. It’s tragic and largely preventable.
There are many avenues for learning these skills. For books, I particularly like Susan Campbell’s newest book “From Triggered to Tranquil”,Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication, Jordan and Margaret Paul, and Harville Hendrix. For videos on the subject, Teal Swan.
I also highly recommend people use a skilled counselor/coach to assist you in learning how to navigate conflict and difficult feelings.
Recognize that your childhood experiences and training--including childhood relationship traumas--dictate your life until you understand how these experiences have an unseen influence on your personality.
Based on our early past, we all have dysfunctional beliefs and life strategies that we automatically employ that get in our way with others and trigger emotional reactions. These life strategies will destroy the quality of your life and relationships until you become conscious of them. Conflict resolution skills will help you become aware of these imperceptible aspects of your personality that cause you and others distress.
If you’re looking for a relationship that doesn’t have a significant amount of conflict and difficult emotions, my experience is that these are rare. I think it’s best to assume that you will meet up with conflict and difficult emotions. Harville Hendrix says that we will have conflict with our love partners because of our unhealed childhood wounds. When we actively face these wounds, everyone grows.
Nobody likes to deal with conflict and difficult emotions. But if we don’t deal with them, they will deal with us. Therefore, the best strategy is to make it your priority to skillfully and compassionately address conflict and difficult emotions. If you meet a potential love partner who isn’t interested in this, your relationship will not go well.
OTHER ADVICE THAT YOU CAN READ, OR NOT
DRIVING
I have made a promise to myself that I will pull off the road if I begin to get sleepy while driving. It is just too easy to fall asleep. Something to consider doing for yourself.
SAFETY CONCERNS FOR WOMEN
There are, apparently, many male sexual predators. Since women are usually less strong and fast as a male, they are vulnerable to these predators. Getting raped on a date is not rare. Being harassed in public by a male who feels entitled that you engage with them is rampant. Dropping a drug into a female’s drink so they can be taken and raped is a thing.
Males often don’t realize that women are always at risk when they’re alone. Males don’t get it because they don’t have to watch their back when they return to their car alone in the grocery store parking lot.
Women: If you aren’t already, keep your eyes open and avoid putting yourself in situations where you could become a victim of a predator. Learn self-defense skills and ways to be less of a target in the first place.
Men: Respect that women may not trust you until you earn trust. Keep your eyes open for women who may be susceptible to being accosted by a predator.
YOUR HEALTH
Taking care of your health will pay off in the short run and when you’re older. I have heard people say, “Hey, we all die sometime” while they continue to abuse their body. I say to them, “Yeah, but the decade of being sick before you die is a bummer.” Vices are okay in moderation. Generally, don’t ignore your body’s need for sleep and rest, watch for too much alcohol, sweets, and foods without much nutritional value. Be active. The body is meant to be used.
THE MEDICAL PROFESSION
As good as some parts of the medical profession is, and as skilled and compassionate as many of the professionals are, the medical profession has huge drawbacks.
For one, medical people aren’t trained in enhancing health and in the prevention of illness. They’re trained to treat health problems. Rarely will you get good input on nutrition or alternative natural therapies.
Medical people are also highly influenced by the pharmaceutical companies to recommend drugs—drugs which may or may not be in your best interests.
Also, hospitals, nursing homes, and health rehab places are typically understaffed. Anyone needing to be in one of these places should have friends or family there with you to advocate for you and to make sure you’re getting adequate treatment. Plus, when you’re sick, you may have little energy to advocate for yourself.
Doctors don’t have the time to go through your case with a fine-toothed comb. You and your advocates can find a lot of additional info through social media or googling.
COUNSELING AND THERAPY
There are a lot of mediocre or downright awful counselors. Shop around. To me, if a professional coach or counselor doesn’t begin with taking time to really listen to you instead of talking or giving advice, I wouldn’t recommend them to anyone.
GIVING TO OTHERS AND THE ROLE OF SELF LOVE
Being good to others is one of the most satisfying things to do. At the same time, it’s important to learn how to be good to yourself. Self-love is a bit of a mystery for most people. Learn about self-love. Teal Swan is an excellent resource. She has videos and books on the topic.
RELIGION AND SPIRITUALITY
Everyone has a right to believe what they want about this topic. Or not believe in anything.
Organized religion has its upsides and downsides. All religions, in my experience, have some wonderful teachings and guidance. Some of the organizations, however, I wouldn’t recommend.
There are other avenues of spirituality other than organized religion. Consider exploring what’s called NDE’s (near-death spiritual experiences). You may have already had an NDE or a STE (spiritually transformative experience). These experiences are so out of the ordinary that they’re difficult to talk about. People who haven’t had them don’t know how to relate to you about it.
For those who believe in the spiritual realm, you can turn to Spirit for support and guidance at any time. Maybe consider that there are those in the spirit world—whether angels, ancestors, or God--who want to be of support, but likely cannot intervene unless you ask. If a spiritual truth is that we have free will, then maybe Spirit doesn’t intervene unless we request assistance.
Even if you make a request, if what you’re asking for isn’t in your highest and best interest, you may not get the answer you’re asking for. Not getting what you ask for doesn’t need to mean that Spirit isn’t in your corner.
SPIRITUAL GIFTS
You also may be what I’ll call ‘spiritually gifted’. Gifts can include intuition, visions, reading others, instant knowing, healing, talking to or seeing those who have died, etc. These are gifts that the average person isn’t clued into. You may have been shamed, teased, or judged about your gifts. Many children and teens have extra-ordinary gifts that scare them, so they shut down their gifts.
PAIN AND SUFFERING
Our struggle with pain and suffering has the powerful potential to have us develop strengths, gifts, and compassion. We learn from pain. It appears to be an inevitable aspect of life.
And it is true that until you experience the lack of something, you don’t have a deep appreciation for when you do have it. There’s a wonderful book called “From Onions to Pearls” that explains why there’s suffering and pain in the world.
ADDICTIONS
I consider addictions to be “compulsive self-medication”. We medicate to numb the emotional pain we’re in. I find it’s easier for someone to admit that they compulsively self-medicate than to admit they have an addiction.
If you think you can go without the “medication”, stop using the medication and notice how you start feeling. If you’re self-medicating, the feelings you’re running from will surface.
BEING VIOLENT
Violence never produces results of feeling goodabout yourself or another. If you are in such pain that you are inclined to be violent to others, find a professional to deal with your emotional pain. I have made an agreement with myself to be kind and respectful, at all times, no matter how I feel. I know there are times when I feel like being violent or unkind. I will myself, as much as possible, to choose kindness.
ANGER AND RAGE
Anger is a secondary emotion. The original emotions that led to anger are vulnerable emotions. Because we don’t feel safe having vulnerable emotions, we become angry to feel more powerful.
The key vulnerable emotions that show up before anger are fear and grief (hurt, sadness, loss, heartbreak). Fear is always involved when you’re angry. The anger happens in a split second, so usually we don’t know that we initially felt a vulnerable feeling before the anger.
The angrier you are, the more scared you are. Fear isn’t often easy to see, but it’s there if you look close enough.
YOUR LIFE PURPOSE
Consider that you may have come to earth with a plan, a purpose. Part of that purpose may involve you discovering your purpose. So, don’t worry too much if you take a lifetime to find your purpose. There’s a book called “The On-Purpose Person” that provides a great exploration to discover what you’re uniquely passionate about—which points to life purpose.
Many people’s purpose comes from doing what they love to do. For others, their purpose appears to be related to either witnessing the suffering of people they care about, or from experiencing suffering themselves. Many times, our struggle to overcome an adversity has us develop talents, gifts, and skills that lead to living your life purpose.
Copyright-- Bill White 10-25-2023
Phone 520-775-1943 www.thehealthycouple.com
People in your life or professionals may say things like:
· You need counseling
· You need to work on yourself first
· You need to heal you
· You need to work on your issues, do your inner work
· You need to do shadow work (looking at the things you dislike about yourself and have hidden from others)
· You have to make your healing a bigger priority than your work, your relationship, etc.
There are many of you who would entertain the idea of ‘working on yourself’ if you actually had some idea of what that is. The road to healing and addressing your inner demons seems vague and unclear to most people.
In truth, inner work is often not a clear path. This chapter will attempt to make the path clearer for you. I want to see you empowered on your growth path--not discouraged by the unfamiliarity of it all.
There will be people in your life who believe they’re doing fine in life, and that’s great. You may be one of those. However, for those of you who find that things aren’t going so well, this chapter can be a helpful guide for you in your healing and growth process.
My mistake—going it alone
I have been on a trial-and-error path of healing myself for 50 years, as of 2022. The basic mistake I made was going it alone, especially not getting one-on-one support as often as I needed. I did talk to good friends, and I did a lot of personal growth—reading, workshops, conferences, educational programs—mostly without one-on-one assistance . All this was great and very helpful. However, it would have been much easier to have utilized a personal coach, therapist, or some such.
Now, I did at times utilize one-on-one assistance along the way. It’s just that I tended to not enlist assistance enough. Part of the problem was finding someone who is truly adept with my issues. The other side of the coin is that I have been a tough nut to crack. My emotional and relationship wounding in childhood had me not trust others to be good to me, so whenever I went for one-on-one help, inside I was cowering and protected.
The 2 previous chapters walk you through understanding the many reasons why it is difficult to ask for help and how to go about finding someone who would be a good fit for you.
A skilled person can be the hands-on ‘mirror’ for you to actually get a good, clear look at yourself. Our blind spots can be very tricky to find. Without that one-to-one guidance, we can miss things that will continue to hamper our entire lives.
For instance, if as a child you were told or treated as if you were stupid, you have likely created a belief (fear) that you are stupid. At some point the belief that you’re stupid goes unconscious so you don’t know you’re living from the belief. In fact, the belief that you’re stupid operates as an unexamined truth to you. But because you fear it, you are working hard to disprove the belief. So, you have strategies to hide or compensate for that reality that you are stupid. You may become educated, competent, and skilled. No one would suspect you were stupid—not even you. You may also be guarded around smart people so you don’t appear stupid. These strategies that you implement are the things that get in the way and irritate people. You’re trying so hard to not be seen as stupid, and trying hard to be seen as smart, that you are annoying and upsetting to people around you.
That was me, by the way. It took me until 55 years old to realize that I had a belief that I’m stupid. I had no idea that belief was running in the background. I found it because I’m focused on ‘working on myself’. If I had not been someone who works on themself, I would never have seen how that belief was getting in my way.
Below is a list of steps that describe what working on yourself might look like. This is meant to give you an idea of just what in the hell ‘working on yourself’ means. It will also provide you some ideas on some steps to take.
LIST OF STEPS FOR WORKING ON YOURSELF
[Don’t be overwhelmed with all the options. Pick one or two that sound like steps you’d like to take. Work those steps first.
1. Make your inner healing a priority . At some point you will recognize that your inner demons are destroying the quality of your life in most, if not all, areas. Some of you may need to make a choice to make your healing more important than your relationship, your work, your hobbies, your drinking, etc.
At some points in my life, I have recognized that my inner peace has to be my top priority. Even if I don’t have money flowing or a love life or a great social life, if I have inner peace, the circumstances of my life won’t dictate how I feel.
On the other hand, I can have all the money, love life, social life I want, and if I do not have periods of peace within myself, none of that is going to add much to the quality of my life. When it feels like a relationship, a financial windfall, or a new job is adding to the quality of your life, you will find that it is not a lasting addition to inner peace and happiness, unless you are generating that peace within yourself.
2. Recognize that many of your actions are attempts to avoid your emotional and mental pain, OR those actions are an attempt to medicate your pain. We use a myriad of things to have us feel better when we don’t feel good inside. These actions can be done in bits and pieces, or they can be way out of hand. The common ones you will recognize are: alcohol, drugs, video games, gambling, shopping, sex, love relationships, high risk activities, overeating, eating sweets and comfort foods. Some lesser recognized actions we may take to medicate ourselves include sleeping, surfing the computer, dissociating/numbing out, Facebook/social media, overworking, being busy, and being helpful to others (avoiding your life).
The list of things we can use to avoid and medicate is endless. I’ve done a lot of them. You don’t have to stop doing all these things, but you want to be aware when you’re doing them solely to medicate and avoid. When you realize you’re medicating and avoiding, then go to work on the inner distress.
3. Get one-on-one support from skilled professionals or mentors . Don’t be afraid to shop around, or to change to another professional or mentor when the one you’re with isn’t working for you. You can also utilize more than one at a time.
4. Talk to people who you trust who can relate to what you’re going through . Share your struggles, your pain. Don’t keep your distress to yourself. When you’re in emotional distress, sharing with someone can cut your distress in half. Then sharing with someone else can cut it in half again.
Of course, when you talk to those who don’t relate, who aren’t good listeners, who are judgmental, and who just give you unsolicited advice and suggestions--this can actually increase your distress. Don’t enlist those people to share your heart with. If your friends and family are people who cannot relate well to your challenges, there are places other than therapy where you can generate friends who you can share your pain with--12-step programs, a church/spiritual community, personal growth programs or workshops, Meetup groups. Facebook specialty groups can be a very good option. Group therapy/support is an option as well. In group therapy, you have people dealing with very similar things as you.
5. Understand that possibly 99% of your challenges are not because of the present situation, but are because of the influence your past is having on your present-- particularly unresolved childhood wounds. If you’re focusing solely on the present problem and trying to fix it, and you aren’t getting the results you want, look to see how the present is related to a difficult experience or theme in your childhood. For example, as an adult you may have a sensitivity to being left and abandoned because your father left the family when you were a child. If your partner is late coming home from work, you may freak out worrying about your partner. You need to be aware of the hidden influence of your past before you are able to challenge the validity of an emotional reaction you are having in the present.
Making the connection to the past can be complex to do on your own. A book I’m writing, entitled, Advanced Anger and Argument Solutions explains how to do this on your own. The book also discusses that, in the beginning, you likely will need one-on-one guidance to sort out and effectively deal with your emotions.
6. A great access to inner healing is to notice and address where you are emotionally upset—irritated, annoyed, angry, judgmental, fearful, anxious, and sad. Use these experiences to get to the root cause of your feelings—which is typically childhood or other difficult experiences in your past. Again, most people don’t know how to do this on their own. It has taken me decades to have some level of expertise and consistency in this arena.
7. Access childhood when you are feeling very difficult emotions. It is very easy to think that your distraught sadness or panic anxiety is because you have lost your partner, or someone is not being kind to you, or because your job is in jeopardy. Yes, these incidents will bring on distressful emotions in anyone, but if you can’t release the emotions, some aspect of childhood is probably at the root of your emotional distress, and you need to find out what that is.
When I amicably ended my marriage, I had 18 months of deep sadness, loneliness, and fear. I just couldn’t shake it. Finally, it occurred to me, “Oh, these difficult feelings may not have so much to do with losing a partner and companion. The feelings I’m feeling may be the feelings I felt as a child. As a child I felt a lot of sadness, loneliness, and fear.” So, instead of focusing on my present woes, I was able to acknowledge long-buried feelings from my past that I hadn’t ever dealt with. The distressful feelings began to lessen when I started making the connection to childhood. And my deeper healing began.
8. Take every opportunity to feel your emotions. I believe that most of our distress in life is because we have been running from or avoiding feeling difficult feelings. Until feelings are faced, and allowed to be, they can’t change. When we feel our feelings, they can move on out.
In the moment of feeling a feeling, it may at times not feel like the feeling is moving out. It may or may not happen instantly, but anytime you have the courage to sit with what you’re experiencing that is unpleasant, you are creating a pathway for those feelings to eventually move on out. That is one key reason why I focus a bit on childhood. We didn’t allow ourselves to feel the dreadful feelings when we were young. We also had no one who could assist us with feeling our feelings. We found ways to side-step feelings that we just couldn’t handle. These feeling we haven’t felt are following us today. And we’re still running from them.
These feelings can at times truly be excruciatingly painful to sit with. You may need assistance with this. I have worked with people who have had severe emotional reactions and body stress as they started to look at feelings they’ve never dealt with. People opt to ruin their life with addictions instead of feeling these feelings. So, don’t take this work lightly. And get support.
9. Get out of your head and be present to your distressful body sensations. One approach I use is Core Dynamics created by Tom Stone. His theory is that past trauma doesn’t resolve because we have not allowed ourselves to be present to our experience. Trauma and emotional distress show up as aches and pains in the body, as well as general uncomfortableness. Simply focusing your attention on the distress in your body can have it dissipate. Again, as I’ve mentioned, this isn’t easy work, and much of trauma work is not easy. What’s important is that you are making progress.
10. Access other forms of treatment that are designed to resolve past trauma. There’s a multitude of approaches: hypnotherapy, EFT, EMDR, Psych-K, Holographic Memory Resolution, Completion Process, Somatic Experiencing, breathwork, Feldenkrais, inner child work, Hakomi, shadow work, energy healing, meditation, yoga. Even chiropractic and bodywork are important assists to healing the heart and the mind. The body may also benefit from nutritional support.
11. Awareness and acceptance of ‘how you are’ and ‘how things are’ is a more important step than the automatic focus on making changes. When things don’t feel good, our natural approach (if we face it instead of avoiding it) is to find a quick fix--a change in self, others, or your life circumstances. My theory is that when one becomes aware of all the key influences on ones feelings and actions, change can occur easily and sometimes automatically.
For example, let’s say you learned as a child that being angry made things worse for you, and you decided to never be angry. Instead, you deny your anger, or cry when you’re angry, or get depressed. When you see what you’re doing and why, and you see the poor results, then doing something different may not be hard at all. As an example of ‘change coming after awareness’, you may find that acknowledging you have anger (as opposed to venting it on someone) is a first step to resolving the feelings and getting your needs met in a healthy way. And you then may find ways to vent anger. Take a run, chop wood, throw rocks, get in your car, without driving, and scream
Of course, you also must bring a measure of acceptance to your experience. Awareness isn’t always enough. If you are judging your experience and fighting it, then you don’t deal with it effectively. Take the example of being angry. No one likes being angry. You may not even be able to accept your anger fully. At a minimum, you can bring acceptance by taking the attitude of, “I accept that right now in this moment I hate this anger. I also accept that I want to do anything I can to get rid of it.” So, essentially you are bringing acceptance first to the fact that you don’t accept your anger.
12. Bring compassion to the child who endured very difficult experiences. Don’t minimize the pain the child went through. We generally—and incorrectly--look upon our childhood experiences from an adult perspective. “Yes, my mom was angry and rejecting of me, and my dad spanked me, but it made me a better person.” Or, “I should be over that now. It was a long time ago. And anyway, they loved me and did the best they could.” All that may be true, but it’s also important to understand that for the child that you were , the experience at the time was devastating, terrifying, and extremely distressful. Bring compassion for the child and feel whatever grief and loss that you may feel. Tears are pay dirt for inner healing .
13. Bring acceptance to the parts of you that had to create mistaken beliefs and dysfunctional survival strategies in order to make it in your world. For example, I avoided committing to a career for many years because I was afraid of 1) making a terrible mistake (because of being constantly criticized and sometimes severely punished as a child), and 2) of becoming trapped in a painful situation like I was trapped as a child. When you understand that you had little choice but to create dysfunctional approaches to life, you don’t have to judge yourself. The child’s mind didn’t have the capacity to develop effective approaches. Just notice the approaches the child developed, bring compassion for the child you were, and then eventually you will be able to create more functional viewpoints and actions.
14. Notice and feel the loss to yourself and to others from the fact that you have been living from dysfunctional beliefs and survival strategies that you created as a child. From the example above of my avoiding committing to a career so I could avoid criticism and punishment I got as a child, I can grieve the distress and losses that this strategy created for myself and for others—such as going from one dreary, dead-end job to another.
I can also be compassionate and understand that my beliefs and strategies were valid survival responses. They were a desperate attempt to avoid more of the criticism and punishment.
15. Forgiveness of yourself and forgiveness of those who hurt you. Forgive yourself for reacting blindly in an attempt to avoid more pain and to generate love and inclusion. Forgive yourself for the blind strategies of revenge—attempting to get others back for the pain they caused you. You are human. You reacted in fight/flight brain.
Also forgive others for what they did or didn’t do. Understand that their pain from their past (or their present) caused them to be the way they are. Sure, they could have done differently, but at the time they did the best they could, given all the influences from the past and present. No, they did not do the best that was possible for them to do. That is a standard that we should not put on others or ourselves.
16. Apologize and make amends where possible and where useful. Our blind survival strategies and viewpoints about life have caused us to hurt others. Apologize and make amends when you can.
17. Commit to treating all people with kindness and respect at all times, no matter how you feel. When we have been wounded in the past or present, we react in ways that hurt others. Being unkind to others will set you back to square one, if not worse. There are many occasions when we are in an anger or fear reaction, which leads us to do things that hurt others.
It is especially when we’re reacting emotionally that we bring our will to bear on the situation. No matter how you feel, you have to will yourself to not hurt another no matter what they have done. Use a method to soften your pain. Again, you will be well-served by enlisting assistance from someone to guide you in the process.
Also, recognize that imposing your will on another is not kind and respectful—no matter if it’s for their own good. Compassionate Non-Violent Communication (NVC) states that any form of ‘push’ or force is violence. Usually there is An unmet need you have that is creating the drive to push another in a direction you think they should go. Best to identify the unmet need, instead of pushing.
When you commit to treating all people with kindness and respect, even when you don’t feel like it, this will greatly enhance your healing and growth process. Without this in place, your path will continue to be very rocky, with limited benefits.
Once you’ve done some healing work, you will find you are less reactive in some situations where you would normally have been very reactive. Things can get easier.
18. Let people know you’re working on yourself. Often you have been a jerk and have caused others distress because of your blindness. When you tell someone that you are working on yourself, it shows a softness and a vulnerability. Those who are worth having in your life will be compassionate with your process when they know you’re humble and trying to make changes. Those who aren’t compassionate with you may not be your ‘tribe’ now.
19. Ask others to give you support and feedback in your blind spots. Our habitual childhood survival strategies are often invisible to us. Enlisting the assistance of those who are close to us to help us become conscious when a dysfunctional strategy or viewpoint has kicked in, can be a breath of fresh air in your life and your relationships. For instance, if you have a pattern of automatically ignoring your feelings when you’re upset, rather than dealing with them, your partner or friend who knows this about you can say, “Hey, are you doing your thing of ignoring your feelings?”
20. Listen to others when they’re upset with you. Most of us are not good listeners. (Read my chapter on the art of truly listening in my blog https://www.thehealthycouple.com/the-art-of-truly-listening )
Relationship challenges can be magically reduced if we just give up our need to speak, and fully give our attention to another. Being defensive and talking when another needs to talk sets the conversation up for failure. On the flip side, find people in your life who can also listen to you when you’re struggling with concerns.
21. Do self-love work. I know this is a complete mystery for most of you, as it has been for me. I have written a chapter on self-love that can enlighten you about this. It will guide you in taking steps to loving yourself. One key point about truly loving yourself is that until you love yourself, you will be trying like mad to get love from outside yourself. The problem is, you can’t really let love in if you don’t love yourself first. I know, that is bad news. It’s important to recognize that we don’t feel filled up with others’ love when we don’t love ourselves, but it’s not always pretty when you realize it.
22. Ask God/Spirit/your guides/your higher self/your subconscious for assistance. There have been countless times when I have been miserable and at a complete loss. There is magic in surrendering, getting on your knees, crying, and/or asking for divine guidance and help. Be patient for the divine assistance to arrive. It may be in the next few minutes, the next day, or it may be next week. Once you ask for assistance, it may be that spirit sets you on a path that can bring you the help that you’re asking for. It may take a series of experiences for you to get the message you’re looking for.
As a side note, sometimes I think the real reason we suffer is so we will turn to our spiritual nature and connect with our true self.
23. Pay attention to your dreams at night. Whether it’s your spirit or your subconscious, something has the answer to all your problems. Dreams give insight and guidance. Even if you don’t usually remember your dreams, before you fall asleep, ask that you be shown what you need to be shown through a dream. Often when you awake, you will see things in a surprisingly new light, even if you don’t recall a dream. Or you might just feel more peaceful.
24. Meditation. This has been very valuable for many. Similarly for full breathing exercises.
In closing, the path of healing your past is not simple. Since it is so complex and so vague, by default we generally do everything we can to avoid dealing with our pain and our past. Unfortunately, what we don’t face and deal with will deal with us.
Unresolved or unseen dysfunctional patters tend to become a nest of ‘computer viruses’ that continually create trauma, drama, and distress in our lives.
I’ve written about multiple avenues for ‘working on yourself’. Again, my suggestion is to take the one or two ideas from this list that resonate with you and just get started. You can refer back to this list as your healing and growth work progresses. Godspeed.
[COMMENTS on this blog post can be made by scrolling down just a bit.]
Written and copyrighted by BILL WHITE, M.A.
Relationship and Communication Specialist
520-775-1943
Copyright September 2014
Revised 3-15-22
Have you
made choices in love partners that ended up being a disaster?
When we’re infatuated with a love interest, and they’re putting their best foot forward, we can easily ignore or not even see big-ass red flags. There are important arenas to keep an eye out for. What exactly do we need to be on the lookout for? 21 red flags have been outlined below to guide you in making good choices.
This article is for those who want to avoid unnecessary drama and suffering, but also for people who want a conscious relationship. Those in conscious relationships know that relationships are sometimes complex and difficult to navigate. Dealing effectively with challenges is in relationships is where growth generally happens.
You can also use this information for an established relationship, including a family, friend, or work relationship.
Seeing a red flag isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker . You might be misinterpreting what you see or hear. But pay very close attention to the potential problem area.
1. MOVING TOO QUICKLY OR SMOTHERING YOU
Often you both want to spend a lot of time together, but if you want to take it slow and they push for more connection, stand your ground and state what works for you.
Watch for: Wanting to move into the relationship too quickly. Wanting to interact all the time in person or otherwise. Doesn’t give you any breathing space. A sense of neediness. Pushing for exclusivity. Maybe even wanting to marry you before you’ve even met in person or have video chatted.
This person may be a user. Or they may just be very insecure. If they won’t talk about this concern, it’s a big red flag.
2. ASKS ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL FINANCES OR SEXUALITY TOO EARLY
This person may just be naive, but they may also be a user who is assessing how much they can use you. They also may be someone who doesn’t respect common boundaries.
3. PUSHES FOR SEXUAL CONTACT TOO QUICKLY
Of course, some people are just looking for a ‘hook-up’, and that’s fine. But if you want a solid relationship, you want to have a real connection. You want to feel safe and trusting of one another.
The other thing, if you’re having sex too early, you just haven’t gotten to know the person. You don’t yet know how they tend to deal with conflict and difficult emotions. You don’t know if they’re a user, a bully, or a slick con person. You may be in for big-time drama as things progress. Most people can put a great first foot forward. You want to see both of their feet.
4. STALLS ABOUT MEETING
They don’t move forward, and/or don’t stay in touch in a timely manner. This person may have other relationships going. Maybe married. Or they may be afraid of emotional intimacy and are keeping you at a distance. They may continue to be this way, even if the relationship gets more serious. If the issue is that they are afraid of intimacy and emotional connection, they need to be getting help with that.
5. HAS MORE THAN ONE PERSONAL PHONE
This person may have other relationships that they are keeping hidden from you.
6. DOESN’T ASK ABOUT YOUR KIDS/FAMILY/FRIENDS
If they don’t show interest in your life, they may just be in it for themselves.
7. IRRESPONSIBLE WITH HANDLING FINANCES
Not responsible about paying bills. Doesn’t generate money for themselves. Have large debt or bankruptcies that are not based on having genuinely met up with hard times or unforeseen circumstances.
8. BIG TALKER, DREAMER, PIE IN THE SKY
This person may talk a big game about what they’re up to in life, what they’ll bring to the relationship. Watch to see if they produce or have been producing, or if they’re just dreamers (and maybe schemers).
9. DOESN’T GET ALONG WELL WITH FAMILY, CO-WORKERS, FRIENDS
Your love interest may be able to keep a facade going with you, but take note of their relationships with others. Some families are impossible to get along with, so it’s not always a red flag. If your love interest has problems with many others in their lives, keep an eye on this arena.
10. PETER PAN SYNDROME
The person is immature. The person isn’t an adult. They operate like a teenager. Just interested in having fun. No big responsibilities. They don’t pull their weight.
11. HAS NO FRIENDS
A person who doesn’t interface much with others could be someone who has big issues. If they’re not actively working on themselves, keep your eyes open.
12. HAS ADDICTIVE TENDENCIES
I refer to addictions as ‘compulsive self-medicating’. This means that the person has difficulty stopping themselves from doing the things that make them feel better. They probably don’t know it, but they’re medicating their emotional pain. If they’re not actively addressing their emotional issues, compulsive self-medicating is a big red flag.
If your love interest is on a high from the new love, they may not need to medicate until later in the relationship when things cool down. If they’re already doing it when the relationship is great, that’s a big-ass red flag.
If you bring their behavior up as a concern and they get upset or defensive, this is another big-ass red flag.
Of course, those who are truly addicted are very sly at hiding what they’re doing. They lie. Therefore, you need to make sure your partner is someone who doesn’t exhibit these remaining red flags below.
13. LACK OF KINDNESS OR INTEGRITY WITH OTHERS
Blatant lack of integrity and an unkindness in dealings with others. How do they treat service people? How do they relate to other drivers on the road? Other points to look for: cheats, lies, uses, bullies, rages, threatens, dominates, controls, breaks agreements, makes fun of others, enjoys messing with or scaring others.
14. UNKINDNESS AND INSENSITIVITY TOWARDS YOU, INCLUDING LYING
If the person you love is unkind to you, it’s a much bigger red flag. Unkindness needs to be addressed right away. In dealing with emotional upsets, they need to be a ‘fair fighter’. And if they lie, they are either users or they are afraid of conflict. Users types won’t make adjustments. Those who afraid of conflict must learn how to deal with conflict and difficult emotions in a kind and respectful way.
15. EXCESSIVE OR UNFOUNDED JEALOUSY
Excessive or unfounded jealousy is either because 1) they’re someone who cheats and fear that you will do the same, or 2) they’ve been abandoned or betrayed by other partners and/or significant caretakers in childhood and are now afraid of it happening again. To be good partners, they must be getting help with unfounded jealousy. Otherwise, it will not be a healthy relationship.
16. CONTROLLING, JUDGMENTAL, MANIPULATIVE, AND/OR CRITICAL
These types are potentially abusers. They may just be fearful and insecure. They operate as if there’s a right way to do everything. It’s hard to please them. They’re pushy. If they tell you what you can or can’t wear/eat/feel/do/think/believe—and they get angry or distant when you question them—you may have an abuser on your hands.
17. RAGES
Everybody gets angry, and maybe rages, but the question is, “Once they rage, are they recovering, apologizing, and cleaning up their misstep?” If the rages are scary, if they threaten you, if they break things, then they need to get to work on themselves pronto. Do not tolerate this behavior.
These last 4 are KEY and you may miss them if you aren’t looking for them:
18. HAS LITTLE OR NO INTEREST IN PERSONAL GROWTH
Relationships take work. It’s either growing or dying. Growth is not always easy or pleasant, but it is hugely rewarding. You want a partner who values authenticity and being vulnerable (ie, showing weaknesses and flaws, admitting mistakes, expressing vulnerable emotions).
As long as the person is into growth, some of the previously mentioned red flags may just be yellow caution flags.
For an entire article on the need to have an interest in personal growth in order to have a healthy relationship, see THE NEXT EVOLUTION IN LOVE RELATIONSHIPS
19. AVOIDS DEALING WITH CONFLICT AND DIFFICULT FEELINGS
Nobody likes conflict and unpleasant feelings. We avoid them if we can. The people to be concerned about are those who dance from all conflict, actively block your attempts to talk, and dismiss concerns that you attempt to bring to the table. This arena is a huge red flag.
Sometimes we don’t address conflict and feelings with our love interest because we instinctively know it’s not going to go well. Do it anyway . It is much better to find out early if the person is willing to deal well with conflict and emotions.
Make no mistake about it, facing conflict and emotional upsets--putting these things on the table--takes courage. Put your courage hat on and do it. Use a skilled third party to teach you the skills if you don’t have them.
For more on why we avoid conflict, see my article Our Fear of Anger and How It Shows Up in Relationships https://www.thehealthycouple.com/articles#FearofAnger
20. WOULD NOT CONSIDER USING A SKILLED 3RD PARTY IF/WHEN NEEDED
Almost all relationships need a skilled 3rd party from time to time. Every relationship can benefit from outside skilled support. If your love interest would never go to a 3rd party, that’s not a good sign.
Side note: Don’t expect it to be easy to find a skilled 3rd party. This link has some useful guidelines for how to choose a professional. https://www.thehealthycouple.com/choosing-a-professional
21. NEVER GENUINELY APOLOGIZES OR ADMITS FAULT. A BLAMER. A COMPLAINER. ALWAYS A VICTIM OF OTHERS AND OF CIRCUMSTANCES
Of all the red flags, this one is the best indicator of someone who will destroy you. These people are not worth your time and effort.
If a person will not genuinely admit fault for the trouble they cause, and they consistently blame someone or something outside of themselves, this person is highly toxic. This person will cause you a catastrophic amount of distress and suffering. You won’t even see it coming.
Many of these people are also usually VERY CHARMING AND ATTENTIVE….in the beginning. You will have no idea that you are dealing with a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I put this red flag last on the list because it is typically very hard to identify this type of personality. It needs some explanation.
Toxic people mimic the traits of good, kind people.
On the surface, you can’t tell the difference between a wonderful person and a sociopathic type person. The user types will groom you to trust them. When you let your guard down, they will use your trust in them to take advantage of you. These types are not like everyday people. They do cold and cruel things that most of us would never do.
These types are highly skilled at appearing to be the best person ever. And they will fool you.
Addressing conflicts and difficult emotions until they’re resolved is your key path to discover if you are dealing with a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You need to find out if they will address conflicts in a healthy way. Addressing conflicts and concerns will require you to be courageous. If they make it very difficult to address issues, get the help of a skilled third party. Don’t step over significant issues. If you avoid conflict, you could end up wasting your precious time with them. Worse, you could get blindsided when their true personality comes out. It won’t be pretty.
If you have a standard in your relationship for kindness and respect (see 7 & 8 red flags above) and you don’t tolerate red flags 13-21, you will generally ferret out these people quickly.
If you don’t put these same standards in place, you are setting yourself up for disaster. You have been warned.
If they talk about how their past relationships have wronged them, be aware that toxic people are masters at lying. They will fool you, and they flat out make things up that never happened.
All difficult personality patterns can be worked with and helped, except for the unwillingness to admit fault and the blocking of constructive discussions about conflicts and difficult emotions. Until a person is willing to admit responsibility for the trouble they generate, the loving thing to do for yourself is to keep your distance or completely walk away. For more on this topic, see this blog post: BLINDSIDED: THE TOXIC PERSON IN DISGUISE
These types are also blamers. They put the responsibility for all their difficulties on others, on situations. They have a list of people who have wronged them. They’ve always been the victim. You will be on that list eventually.
I have coined names for these types. IDEAF and ICOB. IDEAF = I don’t ever admit fault, and ICOB = I can only blame.
End notes: If you find one or more red flags, slow it down. Put things on the table. Don’t let things slide. Get assistance from a skilled 3rd party if you aren’t dealing with issues well.
Sorry to say this, but you can’t just blindly trust your feelings when it comes to love and lust. It’s instinctual to trust our feelings. Unfortunately, in love, it hasn’t been working out well.
Role models for operating inside relationships using these guidelines are rare. If you take this unique route, you are a pioneer. Our world needs pioneers in healthy and conscious relationships.
Also see the companion article:
21 KEY POINTS TO CONSIDER BEFORE YOUR DATING RELATIONSHIP GETS SERIOUS
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COPYRIGHT Bill White 7-31-19,revised 9-1-19
Phone 520-775-1943 www.thehealthycouple.com
Have you ever fallen for someone and then realized much later that they weren’t right for you? I have. Maybe giving a little thought to the process can save you trouble and disappointment in future relationships.
In the past, there have been many women whom I’ve wanted a relationship with, but it didn’t happen. Later, as I got to know some of these same women over time, I became grateful that the relationship didn’t develop. I could then see they weren’t right for me. But at the time, I REALLY wanted a relationship with the person. What is that? What makes us not think straight when we become infatuated with people? Whatever it is, it’s good to have some guidelines to assess the relationship we’re presently considering.
There also are situations where we aren’t infatuated. We’re not sure if it’s a good match. We’re exploring the relationship. We’re not particularly thrilled. It’s nice, but not a ‘wow’. This type of situation also calls for us to consider the points in this article.
The points outlined below are arenas we often feel reluctant to bring up with our love interest because it might cause upset, or we fear that having the conversation might break the magic. Suppressing yourself to avoid upsetting someone is a slippery slope towards an unconscious and probably unhealthy relationship.
This article focuses mostly on long-term relationships, but also applies to other relationships. You can also use this information for an established relationship, or even a roommate or family situation.
(A good technique when answering these questions is to use a 1 to 10 scale to rate the level of importance for each of you and for each item. You can consider these points by yourself or as an exercise to do with your love interest .)
1. DO YOU BOTH FEEL EXCITED ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP?
Someone coined the idea that a relationship should either be “a hell yes, or a hell no.” You want to make sure BOTH of you are excited about the relationship moving forward. Of course, in many situations, it may take some time together to feel safe enough that you feel solid about the relationship. It’s not a deal-breaker to not be totally excited early on.
And, of course, just because you’re excited, that doesn’t mean you’re compatible over time. So, read on.
2. DO YOU WANT THE SAME THING IN A RELATIONSHIP?
Sometimes we don’t even check with the other person to see what they want in a relationship. We assume they want what we want.
· Long-term, potential life partner?
· Relationship-for-now?
· Friends with benefits?
· Monogamous, or ok to date others?
3. HOW IS THE SEXUAL CHEMISTRY?
Most people get into a relationship because there’s a strong sexual chemistry, but that doesn’t apply to every relationship. To my chagrin, I discovered that sexual interest , does not mean one has sexual desire for someone. You can be interested in, and enjoy being sexual, but if you’re not hot for the other, you may be in a friendship and not a love relationship. Also, the desire needs to be mutual.
If a strong attraction isn’t there in the early stages, often it won’t develop. But again, not always. Don’t commit to the relationship until strong mutual sexual desire is present. Everybody wants to be desired and ravished.
4. HOW IS THE COMMUNICATION CHEMISTRY?
Do you have a lot to talk about? Is there a balance of each person listening and sharing? Your comfort zone may be to listen while the other talks, or to be the talker and not listen. These styles of communicating lead to disconnection over time.
5. HOW IS THE HUMOR AND PLAYFULNESS CHEMISTRY?
Is there playfulness? Do you laugh often? Do they appreciate your humor? If your relating is too serious in the beginning of the relationship, it will probably get more serious. This doesn’t need to make or break a relationship, but this is something to assess.
6. DO YOU HAVE COMPATIBLE RELIGIOUS/SPIRITUAL/POLITICAL VIEWS?
It’s fine to have different viewpoints, but if they’re very different, you may find the relationship may become frustrating and unsatisfying overall. You want a kindred spirit to share your life with.
7. WHAT ABOUT CHILDREN?
Do you want children, or no? REALLY want them? How many? What about including your love interest’s already established children?
8. WHAT ABOUT THE LEVEL OF INTEREST IN HEALTHY LIVING?
If you exercise, eat well, lead a balanced life, how okay are you with someone who is not into that kind of thing?
9. DO YOU HAVE COMPATIBLE APPROACHES TO HANDLING MONEY?
This is another arena where you can be opposites and still have a good relationship. If you are generally good with how they manage money, then this doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker.
10. WHAT ABOUT ATTENTION TO DETAILS/ORDER/CLEANLINESS?
This one may not seem like a big deal when you live in separate places, but give consideration to how comfortable you are with each other’s style in the event you find yourself living in the same space.
11. ARE YOU INSPIRED BY EACH OTHER?
Are you inspired by who the person is, what they’re about in life? Are you on board with what they are passionate about? This question prompts you to look to see if you are behind what the person is about. You can also ask the question, “Is the person whom I may commit my entire life with inspired by who I am?”
12. WOULD YOU BE OKAY WITH MOVING OUT OF STATE OR OUT OF COUNTRY?
Some people have careers that have opportunities out of state or out of country. Some people may want to move closer to family. This might mean moving away from your friends and family. When you begin to get serious about the relationship, have a discussion about these possible scenarios
13. WHAT ABOUT ‘VULNERABLE AUTHENTICITY’ VS SUPERFICIAL RELATING?
Many people seem to not care about relating deeply on a personal level. They want to just have a good superficial relationship without too much depth and with minimal conflict. If that’s NOT you, this arena could be a deal-breaker. Find out if the person is interested in being deep and real. If they aren’t, don’t try to change them. Find someone more compatible.
14. DO YOU HAVE COMPATIBLE LOVE LANGUAGES?
The book, The 5 Love Languages , written by Gary Chapman, spells out ways we most like to be given love and how we like to give love to another. What are the key ways from the 5 love languages that speak to you? Words of affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving gifts, Quality Time together, Physical Touch.
For example, physical touch is a must for me and I assume everyone wants touch and sex. I’ve discovered that there are those who are somewhat uncomfortable with touch, and/or don’t lean towards that arena. That would not work for me. Conversely, I would not get bent out of shape if someone didn’t give me gifts, but someone else may love gift-giving and receiving.
You don’t have to have the same love languages, but you do want to learn each other’s love languages and make some adjustments. Don’t just give what you want to receive. It might not be what the other wants.
15. ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY FROM SOMETHING UNPLEASANT?
Are you or your love interest running away from something unpleasant, and thus the idea of a relationship is desired? Leaving a bad relationship? Getting away from parents? Looking for a financial savior? Fear of being alone? Sometimes the bigger motivation for a relationship is primarily to get out of a bad situation, instead of being thrilled about your love interest.
Especially when there’s a fear of being alone, we make poor choices in partners. I don’t have a strong rule about rebound relationships , but if you can’t tolerate being without a partner, you probably have some work to do to resolve the fear or dread of being alone.
16. WHAT ARE YOUR KEY MOTIVATIONS FOR BEING A RELATIONSHIP?
This is a bit of a different slant on the 5 love languages. And note, in this inquiry we’re typically considering a long-term relationship.
There are certain needs that we want met in a relationship. Some are requirements and some are preferences. How important is each for you, on a 1 to 10 scale?
· Companionship/talking/sharing time and experiences together
· Physical touch/sex/affection
· Feeling adoration towards the each other. Each person enthusiastically receives the adoration of the other
· Security--$, resources, skills, talents, energy, and the amount of support a person brings to the relationship
· Looking good to others by having an attractive partner at your side (i.e., trophy wife or husband).
Security level is not a deal breaker unless someone isn’t bringing much to the party. By the way, a kind or energetic personality, for example, can be as valuable as a boatload of money.
The trophy partner theme is ultimately not important, even though we are all pulled to want to look good to others. If on a 1 to 10 scale, having a trophy relationship is rated at more than a 5 in motivation, re-consider what you’re doing.
17. HOW IS THEIR HEALTH?
Do they have health issues? Do they have a STD? Are they on medications for psychological or emotional issues? None of these need to be deal-breakers, but you need to talk about these things.
18. SAFE SEX CONVERSATION
Can you have a conversation and make agreements about safe sex? Have you both been tested for STDs since your last unprotected sexual encounter/partner?
These last 3 are covered in more detail in the companion article, 21 RED FLAGS TO WATCH FOR IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP
19. HOW DOES THE PERSON TEND TO DEAL WITH CONFLICT AND DIFFICULT FEELINGS?
There must be a commitment to effectively and respectfully dealing with conflict and feelings, and to learn how to do this. Otherwise, you won’t have a good relationship.
20. WOULD THE PERSON BE WILLING TO GO TO A SKILLED THIRD PARTY TO RESOLVE DIFFERENCES?
If not, this is a red flag.
21. IS THE PERSON COMMITTED TO RELATING WITH KINDNESS AND RESPECT TO ALL PEOPLE, AT ALL TIMES, NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES?
Nobody is perfect, but kindness and respect must be a high priority. Slip-ups aren’t ignored but are dealt with by acknowledging the slip-up and making amends and corrections.
End notes :
Step away from the crowd-mentality and give thought to what you’re doing in relationship. You don’t want to waste your life going from one bad relationship to another. If you don’t get ahead of the train and lay some new tracks, that’s likely what you’ll do. You’ve probably already been down that unproductive road a number of times. Is it time to change course?
Also see the companion article: 21 RED FLAGS TO WATCH FOR IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP
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COPYRIGHT Bill White 7-31-19
Phone 520-775-1943 www.thehealthycouple.com
Love
relationships are evolving. Slowly evolving, but they are evolving. Where are
they headed? It’s about each person bringing a commitment to personal growth
and healing.
In the past, most people considered that their relationship is good if they are adequately managing all the pieces of survival —job, car, place to live, decent sex life, the kid’s physical and educational worlds taken care of. “If we argue and bicker, and don’t communicate or relate well, that’s tolerable.” “If the sex ends up not being great, well that’s tolerable.” If I’m being abused in one way or another, well that’s tolerable. We’re surviving.”
In today’s world, with the advent of better economies and opportunities, people often don’t need a love partner to make enough money to adequately survive. So, for a growing number of people, if they’re going to have a relationship, the relationship needs to provide more than just basic survival. It needs to provide emotional connection, good communication, and heart-felt sexual relating.
WE HUMANS ARE IN TROUBLE
We humans have done amazingly well to build societies and infrastructures that have us survive well, but we have made a mess of our hearts and souls because we have not made our emotional world a priority.
Societies are in trouble. Long-standing epidemics of addictions, suicides, random mass killings, mental and emotional problems, homelessness, violence, crime, prisons filled up, abuse of children, broken families, domestic violence. Our inability to adequately relate on an emotional and personal level is creating these epidemics. Just looking at suicide: In the USA, about 300 people a month kill themselves. 7500 a month attempt to kill themselves and don’t succeed!! No, we are not doing well.
THE PRIMARY INGREDIENT FOR A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP
For those who want a truly happy, enjoyable, and lasting relationship, there’s one basic requirement: A desire for, and a commitment to, personal growth and development. Personal growth has to become a priority. Relationships are not just for fun and not just for meeting some basic survival needs.
What a commitment to growth means is that one brings a strong desire to:
· build and nurture emotional connection.
· build and nurture sexual connection.
· improve oneself.
· become self-aware of one’s habitual personality styles and attitudes that are interfering with the quality of their life and their partner’s life.
The need for personal growth and development is required partly because we’ve made a mess of things in our family and love relationships. We have a lot of healing to do. We have a lot of re-learning to do.
Personal growth courses began to pop up in many places during the 60’s and 70’s. This movement continues today. But maybe it’s time to ‘up the ante’ and make personal growth the norm, not the exception.
All of life is either evolving and growing, or it’s dying. A plant doesn’t just sit there. It’s either growing or dying. It’s the same with a love relationship.
Most humans have a sorely-mistaken viewpoint that relationships shouldn’t require work and maintenance. We believe relationships should happen naturally and easily. That viewpoint is so far off base, it’s not even on the map. But most people still think this way—to their detriment.
THE DESPERATE NEED FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION SKILLS
The arena where we all need help is in the arena of being able to adequately address and resolve conflicts, navigate difficult emotions, and curb the tendency to emotionally disconnect because we’re avoiding conflict. If you’re not willing to become emotionally intelligent, your love relationship will not be strong.
On the other hand, when you learn the skills to adequately navigate difficult emotions, all the things that we love and idolize about love relationships are automatically enhanced. Playfulness, fun, great sex, mutual adoration, great communication, feeling supported.
There are many different helpful practices that deepen and enhance emotional and sexual connection, but if you’re avoiding conflict and emotions, or you’re attempting to address them but end up arguing and shutting down, the other practices for enhancing the quality of a relationship won’t do that much for you.
Teal Swan is an amazing teacher who talks about the desperate need to effectively navigate emotions. She says we’re still in the dark ages when it comes to relating to emotions. She put together an excellent video entitled ‘Emotional Wake-Up Call” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMC7ULTSPEE
In order to effectively address conflicts, one must also revisit the emotional wounds from childhood. Three pioneers who have brought to light the need to heal childhood are Harville Hendrix (Imago Couples Therapy) https://harvilleandhelen.com/ , Margaret Paul https://www.innerbonding.com/ , and the late John Bradshaw https://www.johnbradshaw.com/.
In the beginning of a relationship, almost everyone feels their relationship is great and will always be great. In reality, if these same people are not passionate about growth and development, their relationship will either become unhappy, die off, or become boring/dead/lifeless. Their relationship will devolve into ‘surviving, but not thriving’. And nobody will be truly happy.
It is the same with family relationships. Very few families are opting for the path of growth and development. And families are not well. They’re producing children who become unwell adults.
However, there are some families who are on the leading edge of this evolution of making personal growth a priority. They bring kindness and respect to their children. They honor and nurture emotional health and emotional connection. They’re producing healthy adults.
3 COMMITMENTS REQUIRED FOR HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
There are 3 key commitments/actions that are needed to build emotional connection. The first, as mentioned above, is learning how to adequately address and resolve conflicts and difficult emotions .
The second is to commit to being kind and respectful at all times. This is a must in order to bring safety into the relationship. Without safety, a person won’t be vulnerable and real. Without vulnerability, there is no emotional intimacy.
The third is a commitment to utilizing a skilled third-party when you can’t do the first and second commitments adequately on your own. Books/classes/workshops are not enough to identify and redirect the subconscious mischief that we bring to relationships. Friends and family are mostly clueless about how to have a healthy relationship, so going to them for advice is rarely productive.
I have described these 3 commitments in a short document on my website. https://www.thehealthycouple.com/articles#Threecommitments )
THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED
The desire for personal growth in relationships is a road less traveled. We are in the beginning stages of this evolution. This path can feel scary. Personal and emotional growth can feel strange and uncomfortable because personal growth requires being vulnerable. I refer to this type of vulnerability as a ‘healthy vulnerability’, as opposed to, “I’m being vulnerable and now you can continue to hurt me.” Vulnerability is a good thing, even though it will feel very uncomfortable at times. Brene Brown is doing pioneering work on the arena of vulnerability. https://brenebrown.com/
If you choose the road most traveled and NOT go in the direction of personal growth and development, good luck with that. You will find it’s not as pretty of a path as you hoped. Resisting growth inside your relationship is like playing Russian roulette. And there isn’t just one bullet in the chamber. There are 5 bullets in a 6-chamber gun. Your odds are not good at all.
Whether you are part of a couple or a family, each person must be on board for growth if the relationship is going to work well .
Since there are few healthy couples and families to emulate, if you choose this route, you are a pioneer. The path is sometimes going to be ‘horse and buggy across some dry plains’, but the adventure and the good results are more than worth it.
In summary , we’re in the midst of a relationship evolution where relating on an emotional and personal level is becoming a priority. Most people are not there yet. Most are not into growth and instead are tolerating unhappy relationships because these relationships provide certain survival needs. Others jump from one relationship to the next when the going gets tough. Others opt out of relationships altogether.
Personal growth and development is what’s on the horizon for humankind in love and family relationships. As more people get on board, the changes will alter humanity in beautiful ways.
For you, it’s a matter of whether you will get on board and be a change agent for happy and healthy relationships, or if you will blindly follow the old worn-out paradigm that we’ve inherited.
You can also dabble in personal growth, but at some point, you will see that dabbling is inadequate for the job ahead. You will see the need to make personal growth a priority.
At least now you know that there is an alternative to the old paradigm that we’ve inherited. Maybe you’ll make the choice to dive into personal growth and partner with others who are pioneers in the evolution of relationships.
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COPYRIGHT Bill White 06-20-19
Phone 520-775-1943 www.thehealthycouple.com
Are you tired of difficult and failed relationships? Do you want to know some secrets for a lasting and wonderful relationship? It may not be what you think, but you will be lost without these guidelines.
This is a
video conversation I had with another relationship and childhood trauma
specialist that covers the details of how to have a conscious relationship--one that is enjoyable and you can be confident that it will last.
Our interaction was a fun, personal,
and informative. It’s a long video, but rich information for those interested in
a conscious relationship.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAUqvSySFgc
[COMMENTS on this blog post can be made by scrolling down just a bit. ]
Focusing on solving the problem while ignoring the emotions
Series note:
This series of articles will explain key ways we make blind mistakes
when dealing with conflict and emotional upset. The remedies will also be
outlined. These ideas are based on my 35 years of exploring this arena.
Most of our flawed approaches are because we’re operating from our survival brain which directs us to avoid anything that feels uncomfortable. Conflict and difficult emotions are not comfortable, so since the beginning of Earth time, humans have not done well with emotions and conflict. I believe it is time to get out in front of this train and lay new tracks. We need to do this if we are to have a world that works for us all.
Many of the remedies I’ve discovered will feel counter-instinctual. That is, the survival brain who avoids discomfort will not see these remedies as good ideas. The good news is that the remedies work. What the survival brain has in mind will create more of the same--unworkability and disconnection. Most people would benefit from having someone like myself to walk you through the approaches—and the survival brain doesn’t like that idea either.
*******
Selena: Victor, I need you to step up and help out around here.
Victor: What do you mean? I’m doing as much as you are, but in different ways.
Selena: I’m doing most of the cleaning, cooking, and shopping. We both work, so these things should be shared.
Victor: I’m taking care of things like the yard and the car and fixing things in the house. I don’t see that either of us are doing more than the other.
Selena: Those things you mentioned are occasional things. I’m doing the cooking and cleaning every day. I need your help.
Victor: Cooking and cleaning just ain’t my thing. How about we hire someone?
There are a number of flaws in Selena and Victor’s approach to the conflict. We will address one key and common flaw in this article: Focusing on the situation and the solutions, while avoiding the emotional content.
This flaw is subtle, but it is fundamental to humans being ineffective in dealing with conflict. It appears obvious that if you’re having a problem with a situation, then you need to come up with a solution, a fix to the problem. And yes, in the majority of the daily situations in life, this works fine.
Where fixing doesn’t work is when there are underlying emotions that are not being acknowledged or considered. If there is an emotional reaction occurring—even if it is hidden—there are unmet needs that need to be addressed. Sometimes acknowledging the emotions IS the solution to the problem.
In the above example, possible unmet needs and the resulting emotional reactions could include:
1) Selena needs support and feeling unsupported,
2) Selena needs to be noticed and appreciated for what she does do, and is feeling unappreciated,
3) Selena needs to feel she’s in a partnership, but feels she’s being used,
4) Selena needing to feel significant, but feeling insignificant to her partner,
5) Marcos needs needing to feel valued and appreciated for what he does do, but feeling he’s not good enough,
6) Marcos needs to feel nurtured and safe, but is feeling judged and criticized,
When our initial attempts to resolve a situation don’t work, or even creates arguing or emotional distancing, the path to resolution is to address the underlying and unspoken unmet needs and the resulting emotional reactions.
Why don’t we focus on emotions?
The obvious reason we don’t focus on emotions is because it’s uncomfortable. So, why is dealing with emotions so uncomfortable?
· Emotions are unknown territory. We just don’t know much about navigating emotions successfully.
· We’re afraid that anger, stonewalling, or abandonment will occur if we discuss emotions.
· Emotions require vulnerability and we’re very uncomfortable with emotions.
Okay, so what does addressing the emotions entail?
This is an example of what Victor and Selena could have done:
Selena: Victor, I need you to step up and help out around here.
Victor: [Listening, asking questions with curiosity, and exploring with Selena]. I hear some emotions here. Are you feeling frustrated, or?
Selena: Yes. I feel like I’m the wife who is obligated to take care of the husband who lives like a king.
Victor: Oh, do you feel taken advantage of, or unappreciated?
Selena: I think I feel both. [Looking at the influence of childhood] My dad expected everyone to cater to him. I resented that. I don’t want a repeat of that. So, I may be oversensitive with respect to this.
Victor: [validating her message and finding some truth in Selena’s concern] Ok, I understand how your experience with dad was not a happy one. And yes, you might be somewhat sensitive. However, I sometimes do take what you do for me for granted. I’ve not been good at telling you how much it means to me that you’re there for in in so many ways.
You can see that they’re on the path to resolving the concern because they’ve dealt with the emotions before attempting to fix the problem. Once the emotions have been validated and understood, the situation is much easier to address. But again, it is not instinctual to go this route. It seems like the long road, and may feel awkward. It’s actually the short road because this situation could turn into a 4-hour argument, or 4 years.
Just Victor listening and understanding may be the solution. If not, then they can explore solutions, such as Victor asking, “What could I do or say that would have you feel more appreciated and supported?”
They can also postpone the fix and discuss any feelings or concerns that Victor may have. If the switch and now explore Victor’s feelings, Victor might start with: “I am feeling criticized and unappreciated by those remarks.”
A list of possible steps to addressing the emotions:
1. Stop discussing the facts of the situation and the potential solutions. Focus on the emotional world of the person who brought up the situation.
2. Listen to one person at a time, instead of both people trying to process their emotions or reactions. Allow the one person to be heard before the second person talks.
3. Listen to, and explore, the emotions and the needs of the one who brought up the concern. Don’t be in a hurry. Be curious. Ask questions to understand better.
4. As the person who brought up the concern, be open to exploring the emotional side of your concern. Both people need to understand the need for emotional resolution before situation resolution .
5. Recognize that listening to and validating the person’s concerns or feelings IS THE SOLUTION for many concerns.
Most of us are unskilled at dealing with the emotional content, so there is a need to learn skills and practice them. Other articles in this series will also be helpful to read when they are written and published. Especially you will be interested in the articles on ‘sticking to one person at a time and one specific situation’, ‘looking for childhood influences on today’s feelings’, and ‘utilizing a skilled 3rd party when you’re stuck’.
[COMMENTS on this blog post can be made by scrolling down just a bit.]
COPYRIGHT Bill White 10-22-18
Phone520-775-1943 www.thehealthycouple.com
The magic of Awareness + Acceptance of What Is—before making changes . In article #1, the fundamental flaw when dealing with conflict we explored was the mistaken focus on solving the problem before exploring and softening the emotions.
In this article, we explore the power of simple awareness of What Is in this moment as a path to dissolving conflict and emotional distress. Bring awareness first, before attempting to solve or fix the situation, the other, or yourself.
Inseparable and obvious to me, but not-so-obvious to others, is that along with awareness you also must add acceptance of What Is in this moment. Let me give you an example.
My former wife (and now good friend), Noel, and I were passionate about having good communication when we were together. Once we were tangled up and not feeling good about an interaction. Noel had done something that I was upset about. We weren’t making any progress. Finally, Noel asks me with pure curiosity, “ What do you want? ”
I looked within to see what I wanted. It occurred to me that I wanted her to suffer as much as she just made me suffer. (This is the awareness of what is .)
I was a bit embarrassed when I realized that that was my motivation. I had a moment of figuring out how I might rearrange my truth so I didn’t look like the bad guy, but decided to scrap that idea. I had learned that awareness is the first step to change—whether that change be a different action, or a different attitude or emotion, or both. So, I was on the right track by being aware of myself.
Now just awareness of What Is isn’t the entire piece. One must bring to the awareness an acceptance of what is in this moment . So, I dropped my initial judgment of my pettiness because I knew there is always a good but hidden reason why anyone is the way they are. I accepted that in this moment, the way it is… IS the way it is. It can’t be ANY different in this moment than the way it is. I sheepishly said to her, “ I want you to suffer the way you made me suffer .”
Now if Noel was one to judge, instead of accepting the way it is in this moment, we might still be at a standstill. But Noel also the value in awareness and then accepting what is in the moment.
Her response? She giggled. Then we both began laughing. And that magically resolved whatever issue we were dealing with.
Most people keep trying to fix or change the other person or the situation before being aware of what is going on, and before accepting that the way it is in the moment is the way it is in this moment and it can’t be any different—in that moment. Also, the way each person is in that moment is the way they are--and can't be different in that moment.
The cool thing about awareness and acceptance is that sometimes getting to awareness and acceptance is the end of the work. Things often magically rearrange themselves. They transform before your very eyes. If the distress doesn’t release right away, whatever else is needed to feel resolved is made much easier by bringing an attitude of valuing awareness and acceptance.
Counter-instinctual for the survival brain
Now this approach is counter-instinctual for the survival brain. The survival brain sees a problem and then starts to look for the change that will be the solution. The survival brain is trying desperately to get out of the discomfort of the emotional distress by fixing the problem. Unfortunately, the focus on changing the situation or the actions/attitudes of the other person, or of oneself, typically mires you in the conflict and emotions.
What you resist, persists. Said another way, when you don’t like some result/attitude/action/emotion and are fighting against it, somehow your resistance keeps it around. So, the initial goal is to accept and allow what you might initially resist.
Byron Katie has been teaching this for the last 25 years. One of her books is entitled, Loving What Is . She has a very good worksheet on her website that a person can use when they’re upset and are locked in judging. It’s entitled, Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet . http://www.thework.com/downloads/worksheets/JudgeYourNeighbor_Worksheet.pdf
What am I to become aware of,
and how does ‘awareness and acceptance’ dissolve conflict and emotions?
Below is a communication I send to many of my new clients:
One of the key things I’ll be looking for in our work together—and it’s required for things to turn around—is for each person involved to discover what part or parts they have played in contributing to the distress and problems.
It doesn’t matter how small or insignificant your part may seem in comparison to what the other person(s) may have done. The key is that you take responsibility for the part YOU played.
I operate from the perspective that each person is 100% responsible for the unpleasant challenges and the breakthroughs in a relationship. So, each person has ultimate personal power to turn things around. Your ‘taking responsibility for your part’ is crucial for this relationship and for our coaching to be successful.
By ‘responsibility’ I am not talking about you being harshly judged, blamed, faulted, or made to be the bad guy. ‘Taking responsibility’ has nothing to do with that. If you view responsibility as finding fault, you have a disempowered view of responsibility.
What I’m referring to with the notion of responsibility is that you have played a critical part in things going south. When you get clear on how you have done that—and have some compassion for yourself about what you’ve done—you have become empowered.
I will be assisting you in discovering your part because often our part is hidden from our awareness.
Starting the ‘exploration into awareness and acceptance’ process
When we start the 'exploration into awareness and acceptance' process, there are 2 arenas that we are working to become aware of and to accept. The two arenas listed below involve helping the other, or helping yourself, to become aware of, and to understand, oneself:
1. What are my attitudes and actions that are contributing to my distress or the other person’s distress?
2. Where did these attitudes and actions stem from (i.e., where did they originate)?
In most emotionally distressing situations, unpleasant experiences from the past are coloring our reactions. Although the past unpleasant experiences may be adult past experiences, they’re primarily childhood experiences. To grasp this concept better, you may want to read the first few chapters of Harville Hendrix’s masterpiece of a book, “ Getting the Love You Want” .
An example of how to take responsibility for your part in the distress
Let’s say your partner has had an affair. Yes, it’s clear that an affair is unacceptable. Cheating is unkind and disrespectful behavior.
However, if the person who was cheated on doesn’t look for and discover his or her part in what lead up to this affair, the person continues to feel they’ve been a complete victim. When a person feels they have been victimized and they played no significant part, the person keeps him or herself in a position where they are powerless to free themselves from their emotions. And they are powerless to make better decisions. They will likely continue to do the same things in a next relationship--with similar or somewhat similar unwanted results.
How could a person who was cheated on have any responsibility for their partner’s affair?????
When a couple comes to me about an affair, I am always interested in not only the details of the affair, but in what led up to the affair occurring.
There are a number of ways in which the one who was cheated on could hold some responsibility. One common theme I see is where the person who was cheated on was a conflict avoider. They avoided talking about key issues that needed to be addressed in the relationship, and they suppressed or shut down their partner when their partner tried to bring up important issues. This blockage led to periodic blow-ups and/or to emotional distancing—leading to: not feeling emotionally connected, conversing less, having less sex and affection, and spending less and less time together. A person becomes unhappy in this environment. When a bright shiny object comes into their world, it can be hard to resist. It’s not the right move to explore the bright shiny object, but nonetheless, this is what happens. It is the way it is.
Was the partner cheated on at fault for the affair? No, it’s not about fault and blame. It’s about taking responsibility for one’s part :
“ Yes, I avoided important problems we were having, and I shut down my partner’s attempts to communicate about them with me. This led to us not feeling good with each other. And it contributed to an environment that led to the eventual affair. I take responsibility for creating an environment that led to the affair. Yes, affairs are unacceptable, and I need to have assurance that this won’t be happening again. And, I will change my attitudes and behaviors around dealing with conflict and emotions .”
Another common scenario is that the partner who was cheated on saw red flags all along—even in the very beginning of the relationship. (Your partner cheated on their prior partners. You caught them flirting or sexting with someone. They were secretive. They got excessively angry when you questioned their suspicious behavior.) You saw the red flags but didn’t take corrective action. You failed to take corrective actions for any number of reasons. These reasons are usually related to past conditioning (particularly childhood). What’s needed is to find out what led to you not taking corrective actions, and to own your part in the trouble.
The crucial but hidden influence of your past
Almost all our unworkable attitudes and behaviors are directly related to the influence of our past experiences. It’s particularly the unpleasant experiences that negatively affect our present-day self. And it’s particularly our childhood experiences.
This concept is crystal clear for some people, but doesn’t make sense for those who haven’t been exposed to the idea. I’ll provide an example to help you understand the influence of our childhoods.
Let’s say the person above who was cheated on and who avoids conflict was a 4-year-old child who thinks he is responsible for his parent’s fighting and arguing. Maybe the parents said that taking care of a child is a burden and is causing their distress. Maybe the child just assumed he/she was the problem. Whatever the case, the child may then believe that he/she is a bad and unacceptable person.
Any number of beliefs/attitudes and patterns of behavior could come from this experience:
· I’m responsible for my parents fighting and divorcing. I am thus not worthy of being loved by anyone.
· I’m a problem to others.
· I’m unwanted.
· Anger and arguing is scary and leads to bad things. (Fear of anger).
Note: A child’s brain has not developed the ability to reason with logic, so illogical beliefs go unchallenged. This is one reason why early childhood experiences are so ingrained. It is also why it is important to bring self-awareness first before attempting to solve a problem. You need to be aware of the mistaken beliefs and attitudes that you have carried with you because of the past.
So, these are the attitudes the child believes to be true. For the child, this is truth. Then, actions fall out of these attitudes.
Let’s take one attitude: the fear of conflict and arguing. This fear can lead to any number of dysfunctional actions:
· Becoming a conflict and anger avoider as an adult. Will do anything to avoid facing one’s anger. Will do anything to please another so they don’t get angry. Will do anything to prevent another from expressing anger.
· Avoid emotional connection and emotional intimacy with others. If you get too close, there will be anger.
· Avoid relationships in general. Being independent. Isolating oneself. Pushing good relationships away.
· Try to control every thing and every one in an attempt to keep everyone from being angry and upset.
You can see that these behaviors, which are spawned from childhood beliefs, create very dysfunctional ways of operating in life. And we’re only talking about one belief. There are scores of core beliefs that are unseen and have been unchallenged.
Bringing awareness and acceptance, instead of change
In this example, one could utilize the typical approach of ‘trying to make changes’--try to get the person who is afraid of anger and conflict to stop being a pleaser, or to listen when their partner is annoyed, or to deal with conflict, or to stop hiding out and become more social, or to be more emotionally expressive, or to stop being so self-sufficient and allow others to contribute to you, or to stop being so controlling of everything. But we’ve all tried that approach thousands of times--the approach of making changes. Sometimes it works somewhat, but typically it doesn’t help at all.
This unique new approach focuses first on awareness —awareness of my beliefs and my actions that are creating problems, and awareness of where these dysfunctional beliefs and actions originated.
Awareness becomes powerful in the resolution of conflict and difficult feelings because you have now brought your conscious and rational self on board vs operating from a subconscious 4-year-old.
You can also bring compassion and understanding to that 4-year-old. You may even grieve for what that child experienced. And you may find forgiveness for why you have acted the way you have in life. And you may even find forgiveness for those who weren’t good to you as a child because you see that they were also operating out of their 4-year-old who was in pain. Sometimes there are a number of steps to take in the process of getting to a peaceful place. Sometimes it happens automatically once you have become aware and have brought acceptance to what is present in the moment.
Eckert Tolle wrote the massively popular book, The Power of Now . His work is all about awareness and acceptance of what is present in the now. And being with it. Sitting with it. Allowing it.
So, some resolutions are obvious and sometimes desired changes occur easily, even instantly:
“ Oh, I see that my ‘avoiding telling others about what I’m unhappy about’ creates big conflict in me, and then later on my avoidance creates big conflict in others. Oh, and my judging my loved one’s anger or annoyance, plus my ‘shutting down their need to express their feelings’ actually makes them REALLY mad at me. And if this goes on, I’ll find myself divorced, or my partner might have an affair, etc. Well, then let me find an acceptable way of operating in life where I allow the healthy expression and resolution of unpleasant feelings .”
Sometimes the changes that are to be made are obvious, and sometimes the changes are not as obvious or easy. But in this awareness + acceptance process we have first brought awareness to where the problems are coming from. And we have brought compassion and understanding for our dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors. And we have faced our emotions, instead of running from them. These are all important first steps for resolving emotional distress. Changes, fixes, and solutions can be more easily found or created when one isn’t reeling in emotional distress.
The bad news is that most of us are relatively clueless about how to explore our inner selves (thoughts, feelings, memories). 99.999% of us humans need guidance and assistance. Even those who have skills often need assistance to see their blind spots. The other bad news is that even the professionals are often lacking in adequate skills. We’re in the beginning stages of human evolution in this respect.
In summary, ‘awareness + acceptance’ is crucial before we start fixing problems. It will feel unnatural to go down this path of becoming aware before we start trying to fix a problem. It is natural to jump into finding solutions right away. So, we must will ourselves to focus on bringing awareness and acceptance to what is, until the focus on awareness becomes a new habit. Problems and emotions resolve themselves much more easily when there is awareness. Many times, resolution of issues happen like magic.
For more exploration on ‘bringing awareness’ vs ‘fixing problems and making changes in behavior’, see: The Hakomi therapy method http://hakomiinstitute.com and/or read the book Grace Unfolding by Greg Johanson and Ron Kurtz
For a closer look at our fear of anger and how that shows up in our lives (plus some remedies), see the article on my website: https://www.thehealthycouple.com/articles#FearofAnger
[COMMENTS on this blog post can be made by scrolling down just a bit. Your suggestions and editing—pro or con—are very welcome.]
COPYRIGHT Bill White 12-17-18
www.thehealthycouple.com Phone 520-775-1943